I guess... im a dreamer... nvm me... i've posted wat i wanted to post below... i guess i shldn say more... i shldn giv u anymore problems...

everyday i realise tat i hav so much to say... *sigh* i miss u alrdy

i hav said wat i said the other day…. and i think i hav to continue what i hav decided to do… BUT… i wan u to noe that i regretted it as soon as i voiced it out to u… i really do… i spent this Sunday wondering abt outside… so i can spend time alone…. i felt as if a few days have passed… knowing that thrs no turning back anymore… knowing that this decision i’ve made has put me in a situation where i could nt be with u anymore… it hurts me… alot… tats cos i miss u..

i’ve made the decision to giv up spending time with u… so that i can hav “peace” from my parents… i have mixed feelings abt this… im really confused… on one hand i felt relief…. i dun hav to hide this secret from them anymore… but im really devastated at the fact that this is it btw me and u… i really wished thrs a way i could handle both situations without having to giv up one… it seems nt possible… my parents are worried abt wat im doing behind the comp all day… yes they dun noe… tats y they are tat annoying.. trying to find out… if i continue… and one day when they find out… the result will be devastating…

well… this isn the only way actually… thrs another way… but it can only happen if i can be with u.. lol… yes im probably thinking too much.. probably dreaming… if i can be with u for real… im willing to quit cabal… and tat would hav solved all the problems… but… this is nt to happen… u wouldn wanna be with me… so im only left with one option…

i m sry for repeating… but i can emphasize enough that im really devastated right now… i really dun wan my relationship with my parents to deteriote anymore… and at the same time… i wanna spend time with u… i guess… without u… my life will ultimately be in black and white… it doesn matter how much i smile.. how much i laugh.. but deep down inside me… thrs a huge piece of me missing… and tats u…

i cannot ignore the fact that thrs a hole in me.. in my life now.. i wish i could do something to patch up this hole… back to the original state…

the above is wat i wrote on wordpress.... if u dun visit tat blog... i wish for u to see it here.. =((

I noe this day will come. I believe u noe it too. When this day finally arrive.. There will be alot of things i wanna tell u but i think i will be so drowned in tears that i cant put my feelings in words. This post will be whr i say everything. Forgive me.. All the things i promised..all the things we planned to do tgt. Im sry tat i cannot fulfil them. I..... I am sry tat i hav to lve.. Lve at a time like this... I just wan u to noe tat i can quit cabal anytime. It nt of any importance to
me anymore... But its u tat i cannot bear to lve... I go on9 everyday just to be with u... All i wanna do everyday is just to be able to be by ur side... i noe i can never be by ur side for real.. I understood tat i dun stand any chance... But all i wanted was to be by ur side tats all... This bond btw me and u... It is something i hold close to my heart.. As im typing this..im dropping tears alrdy... Will u be sad? Do i mean anything to u? I hope i do.. i hope i made an impact on u.. U meant everything to me.. There are lots of things in this blog that i dare nt tell u becos im afraid u wont believe me..afraid that u cannot handle it.. But now it seems that i have to go.. i wont have a chance anymore.. so i can only show u this blog when im rdy.. Thr are so many more i wanna i waana tell u... And i hope the previous 90+ posts speak for me.. I hope u will take a look at them.. At least a few ba =( i noe we still can talk to each other thru msn... But its diff..i hope u noe.. Its diff from spending time with u in cabal..

I think lastly... I wan to tell u tat i am very happy to have met u.. The times ive spent with u... Be it gd or bad times... I noe im happy... I couldn ask for more as an on9 fren.. However, i noe tat u still very much consider me as a stranger.. So i noe u will never wan to meet me.. I really wish we could be real frens.. I really do.... I hope i didn scare u with wat i said here.. Haiz.. Being a fren on9 i can oni do so much for u... I wish i could do more for u...

I wish u can be happy... I think i'll need sometime to get use to the life without u... i wish u well... work hard and excel in ur studies... and if ur still gonna be activ... wish u luck!(i will miss the days whr we say tat to each other whenever we hit chests)... get imba drops... jyjy to ke yun... a couple more yrs of sch and u are on ur way to freedom! i'll be dreading my 2 and half yrs more in Uni... pls take gd care of urself... protect urself well ok...

i bought things for u... i go all the way to ur house just to giv it to u but i never got to see u... nt once... some of my frens noe abt it... and so they ask me... y are u doing this? y are u so stupid... u may get cheated u noe?

how do i ans them? i cant.. and i wont.. cos thrs something i noe, somethings i understand that they dont... and its tat love u and i noe tat i am happy.. just doing these things for u.. i noe that my feelings for u are real.. i let my heart lead me... no matter how foolish i may be.. i hope for the best.. altho it seems really bleak...

i've never done so much for anyone be4... let alone a girl... this is the first time i felt so... yes...foolish.. but im really happy as well... i noe tats wat i wanna do... so no1 can stop me.. nt even my closest frens. im a stubborn person and i believe u noe tat.. i dun wanna hav any regrets... thinking back.. why didn i this and that...

What can i do?

I haven't slept at all in days
It's been so long since we've talked
And I have been here many times
I just don't know what I'm doing wrong

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

There's only so much I can take
And I just got to let it go
And who knows I might feel better
If I don't try and I don't hope

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

No more waiting, No more aching
No more fighting, No more trying

Maybe there's nothing more to say
And in a funny way I'm calm
Because the power is not mine
I'm just gonna let it fly

What can I do to make you love me
What can I do to make you care
What can I say to make you feel this
What can I do to get you there

Love me..

***** Maybe there's ntg more i can do... i've exhausted all i hav... haiz

memories.
you.
my heart.
love.

i will remember forever... the happiness i felt for that period of time.. no matter how short it was... i knew i was happy... i hope u noe..

if one day... i hav a chance to hold ur hands... i will definitely cry.... i really dun care if they happy tears or sad tears... i just hope for tat day to come, so tat i can show u how i really feel towards u...